Chapter One:
Excellence Of Marriage
MAN AND WOMAN: ENHANCEMENTS OF EACH OTHER
Allah created man in a manner which he is incomplete and imperfect without a spouse. Many may upgrade his knowledge, faith and qualities, but he shall never reach the desire perfection while he does not have a spouse. (Be it man or woman). Nothing can substitute marriage and the raising of a family. Both the male and female sexes need each other from a spiritual, as well as physical point of view. And each one of them is incomplete and imperfect when alone and in solitude. When they are placed beside each other, they complete each other. This is the law of creation and it commands the whole universe.
The Quran calls man and woman the dress of each other.
هن لباس لكم و أنتم لباس لهن
"They (wives) are as a dress for you (husbands) and you
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are as a dress for them." (Surah Baqara, verse 187.)
That is to say, they are the enhancement, counterpart, and guard of each other's honour and secrets, and each one needs the other, Man cannot live honourably and eminently in society without dress. He feels himself in a state of imperfection. The lonely person too feels himself imperfect.
Dress saves and protects a person from the effects of winter and summer. The spouse too saves one from worries, futility, homelessness, aimlessness, and solitude. As a dress decorates man, spouses too are the decoration of each other.
SPOUSE: A BIG BLESSING FROM ALLAH
One of the greatest blessings of Allah to man is a nice life-partner. The Prophet (a.s) said in this regard:
ما استفاد امرؤ مسلم فائدة بعد الإسلام أفضل من زوجة مسلمة (أو صالحة).
"The Muslim man has not achieved any benefit (from Allah's blessings) better than a suitable Muslim wife, after Islam." 1
MARRIAGE PHILOSOPHY
It is possible that some people who have not appreciated the depth of the philosophy of marriage and setting up of a joint life may say: 'We satisfy our sexual lust through many other means apart from
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1- Wasail al-Shia vol 14.p23.
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marriage and fulfil this desire though other ways, so what is the need of accepting the responsibility of marriage?"
It should be said in response to this creed and question that fulfilment of sexual desire and lust is not the only achievement and advantage of marriage. It is only one of its benefits. Instead, apart from soothing and comforting the sexual instinct, it has many other aspects and dimensions of excellence, worth and importance, like raising a family. It gifts man with other factors such as commitment, completion, progress, maturity, development of personality, comfort and many more valuable benefits. Commitment to a wife and family brings magnanimity, splendour and a sense of social responsibility, and makes many of his capabilities and sleeping talents bloom and bear fruit.
After marriage, the personality of a man changes into a social personality and he considers himself absolutely responsible for the security of his wife and children's future. On this account, he uses the sum total of his senses, initiatives and abilities." (Tafseer-e Nemoone, vol.14,p 465.)
There is an enjoyment and progress in raising a family to which nothing can be the substitute. Martyr Mutahari (RA) says in this regard:
"There are ethical characteristics, which cannot be achieved, except in the school of family raising. The foundation of a family means developing a kind of interest in the fate of others. The moralists and ascetics
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who have not crossed through this phase have a sort of immaturity and childhood in their personalities to the end of their lives. And it is one of the reasons why marriage has been stressed upon as a sacred matter and a service in Islam. Marriage is the first and preliminary phase of exit from the (shell of) natural personal self, and the expansion of human's personality."
Similarly, he says about the training mode of marriage:
"There is a maturity, a maturity, which does not take shape except in the shade of marriage and raising of family. It is not shaped in school, formed in a crusade against ego, nor is it inculcated and raised through night vigil and prayers. It does not even come into existence through love and attachment with pious ones."1
What a large number of people have been observed who did not follow any principles of ethics, religion, and society, and form of frivolity, heedlessness, and debauchery overwhelmed their character. But after getting married, their character, morale, and attitude changed and they became sober and dignified. And their habits and manners began to show a kind of graciousness and sagaciousness.
"SPOUSE": THE SIGN OF ALLAH'S WISDOM AND SOURCE OF MAN'S COMFORT
Allah, who is the Creator of human being and knows their peculiarities, characteristics, nature and instincts,
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1- Education and training in Islam, Sadra Publications, p 251 to 252.
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described the creation of man and woman and placing them side by side, as one of His wisdoms and signs, and introduced marriage as the cause of love, affection, beneficence and comfort of man, saying:
و من آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها و جعل بينكم مودة و رحمة إن في ذلك لآيات لقوم يتفكرون.
"And one of His sign is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them,
and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are sign in this for a people who reflect."
This peace and comfort is not the common and ordinary conventional comfort, which psychologists and psychiatrists describe; instead, in addition to that, it includes dignity, grace, balance of thought, vision and spirit, the feeling of being worthy and having a serious personality and the achievement of additional honour, status and so on.
MARRIAGE: THE IMPROVER OF THE VALUE OF MAN'S PRACTICES
Marriage and family raising imprints such an effect upon the existence of man by upgrading the worth of his personality on the way to its maturity, that even his practices and services become more valued and worthier before Allah and the angels, so that its value goes up to many times the previous one. For example, consider this Hadith of Imam Jaafar (a.s):
ركعتان يصليهما المتزوج أفضل من سبعين ركعة يصليها العزب.
"Two cycles of service offered by a married person is
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more excellent and worthier than seventy cycles of service offered by a bachelor and unmarried person." 1
THE LOVELEST CENTRE TO ALLAH
The unit which is formed through marriage is the object of Allah's love and kindness, and He views it with tenderness and benevolence. The great
ambassador of Allah (a.s) has put it in this way:
"No construction has been constructed lovelier than marriage to Allah - May He be honoured and glorified."
What prosperity and beneficence can be loftier than Allah's love for one's family and dwelling (that too in the super way) and viewing it with love, affection, and kindness?
THE MEDAL OF HONOUR
Ali (a.s), the chief of believers, has described a very worthy fact about the value of marriage:
لم يكن أحد من أصحاب رسول الله صلي الله عليه و آله يتزوج إلا قال رسول الله صلي الله عليه و آله: "كمل دينه."
"There were none of the friends of the Prophet (a.s) who would marry but the Prophet (a.s) would say his faith (religion) had been completed." 2
What a surprise! Marriage has this much worth and value that the Prophet of Allah (a.s) decorated the
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1- Wasail Al-Shia, vol.14, p6.
2- Makaremul Akhlaq, p99.
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chests of those who married with medals of honour.
It is evident from these words of the Prophet (a.s) that while a person does not marry, his faith lies in danger. This is because sexual instinct, spiritual pressures, sense of solitude and futility, being devoid of shelter and the lack of social responsibility, as well as many other harms of remaining unmarried can damage the roots of man's faith and destabilize it.
Marriage and establishing a family and resting beside an excellent, virtuous, lovely, sympathetic and faithful spouse not only controls sexual lust, but also a spiritual relaxation and comfort is achieved.
At the same time, man's dependence and trust upon Allah is increased and grows. He moves out of the apprehensive condition and homelessness. He senses and feels security and personality. His eyes and mind are distracted and detached from other places, and concentrate and focus on his spouse, Consequently, he achieves more proximity and nearness to Allah, and Allah's beneficence cover him up more than ever, and his faith is strengthened and reaches completion.
REMINDER
Of course, we must be attentive to the fact that these glowing and shining results come to hand when the correct and true standards of "spouse selection", family raising and the preparations of marriage are carefully and correctly observed. In the next chapters, we will inshallah discuss the topics of correct criterions and standards and the know how of crossing the preliminaries of marriage.
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Chapter two:
When Must We Marry?
One of the important problems in connection with marriage and choosing a spouse, which must be taken into consideration, is the time and age of it.
Much has been written and said on this topic. And everybody has endeavoured to answer this question according to his own taste and perdisposition, understanding, knowledge, and mental ability. We must say that the answer to the question "when must we marry?" is hidden in the interior of man's nature and instinct and does not need and answer, logic of knowledge, or philosophy.
We should look inside ourselves and ask its answer from our nature, instincts and inclinations, which do reply in a truthful manner, without different hurdles, ceremonies, habits, customs and prejudices. It is much like hunger and thirst, which are not controlled or governed by any law, which tells when to eat and drink. Instead, a man knows by virtue of his nature
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when he is hungry or thirsty and when he is not and when is a suitable time to eat, and when is not.
yes! Laws can be formulated for the pertinent matters such as not eating rotten, prohibited and illegal food, and never drinking contaminated water. Instead, man should eat licit, lawful and healthy food and must not eat during fasting etc. But a law cannot be set for the actual and basic needs of hunger, thirst, eating and drinking.
The need for a spouse and raising a family is a natural and instinctive need, which Allah has, through His wisdom, placed in the human being. It is awakened at its particular time and season, and makes its demand. If it is answered on time and properly and its requirement is fulfilled, it traverses its natural course and reaches the summit of maturity and completion and makes man reach that point. If it is delayed or answered in an incorrect and unnatural mode, it deviates from its natural course, revolts and rebels, and not only becomes corrupt itself, but also corrupts the man; just as if the natural and instinctive needs of man such as hunger and thirst are not properly answered, they become deviated and drive man towards ailment, disease, the eating of stale and prohibited food, and occasionally, stealing and death.
So any law in this connection must pertain to the balancing of this urge and provisioning of aids and assistance with regard to this difficulty and the removal of hurdles on the way.
But when must this need be fulfilled and when must
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the man and woman marry? This cannot be regulated inside a particular law. It does not have any specific law and regulation; its law is genetic and the Creator has gifted it inside human nature. Therefore, 'shoulds' and 'should-nots' in this connection are not correct. But one can study and research to discover its approaching time so as to be informed in advance and provide a suitable ground for welcoming it.
THE PUBERTY AGE
After giving all sorts of explanations, young men still ask, "Nevertheless, when is the proper time and age of marry?" The answer is: The proper time and age of marrying is when the "sexual and mental maturity" has reached its desired completion in a person. (Reaching completion does not mean the climax and apex of the possible completion, because reaching that stage particularly in the case of mental puberty, is much distanced and difficult; but here it means reaching the ordinary and commonly known limit).
Some say Islam has fixed the marriage age for boys at 15 years and that of girls at the age of nine years. This is not correct. Islam has not given any such order. Islam is the religion of nature and gives an order against nature and human instinct. But Islam commands one to marry when one reaches puberty and maturity. According to the interpretation of the Prophet (peace be upon him) it is like a fruit whose ripening is its maturity and adult age.
Yes! Islam's divine legislation in this connection stressed the desirability of marriage (in the previous
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chapter we discussed some fact about the merits of marriage). But whenever this need and urge stirs itself and desires revolt and rebel and make man probe and practice prohibited acts, then it becomes obligatory, and postponing and delaying it becomes prohibited.
So this divine legislation also revertsback too the law of genetics. That is to say, when puberty is reached, marriage becomes a desirable act and whenever it comes to the revolt and rebellion of emotions and the preludes of sin become obvious, then marriage becomes obligatory.
When a person attains maturity and puberty (we have explained puberty) his time for marriage has arrived and delaying it would not be advisable in any way, just as its early execution is also not commendable, for it's like being an unripe fruit.
When the interior call of a person, which rises from one's nature and instinct comes, it is the time for marriage. Everyone can clearly hear this call from his interior, provided of course, that this power has not been scarred or become ill by the effect of various factors. Because it is quite evident that if this power has been scarred or become diseased, then it cannot give a timely and proper call. Just like a patient who has lost his appetite and his health deteriorates from its normal course. If this need and inner energy gives a call and says, "I have approached, I want a spouse," the factors hidden inside the human conscience may come to face it and argue - I have no house, no money,no dowry, I do not have my degree yet, I do not have the
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means to pay for the celebration, society does not approve of marriage at this age, the customs, ceremonies and family discipline do not yet approve it, a person possessing money, a house, and a car has not yet proposed to me, I have yet to find a rich girl, a wife has her expenses and then there are children to follow who too, have a lot of expenditure and headache. What about the parties and invitations? How can I face the ceremonies and formalities? How can I get the money for the dowry, gold, dress and for purchasing other items?..." It is evident that the poor call will retreat!
Or if that youth has gone astray through masturbation, corruption and debauchery, and deviated from the course of his nature, then that interior call of instinct too has been trampled down and there is no more chance of it raising a correct call.
An exhausted youth said: "For many years I have masturbated and now that I have married a girl, I do not have any desire for her and can not get any enjoyment from her. I still masturbate and prefer it to intercourse with my wife."
This is known as an ill and diseased nature and instinct. It can no longer hear the voice of its natural call. As a matter of fact, no more of a call or voice has been left over and survived.
Brother and sister! Let us talk a bit about the facts, about the untouched life and nature and the uncontaminated instincts and those away from the civilities, ignorance - based customs and ceremonies of society.
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Let us for the time being, throw those (customs) aside so that we may talk in a free and unbounded atmosphere. Later on, we will talk about those limitaions.
Oh, young sister and brother! You are yourself aware of the noise and turbulence that is going on inside you. You are aware that you need a spouse. You know that you are apprehensive and feel a gap, a void and solitude. You can very well percieve and hear your internal yearning, which calls you to find a spouse. You know quite well that you are not that child you used to be a few years ago and a change has developed inside you.
You fully understand that you have lost something (which you must find out) and whenever you think about it, there is a big inflammation that takes shape inside you and motivates you to probe and search for what you have lost.
Why do you deceive yourself? Why do you put a cover and a lid upon these sacred and natural wishes and desires? Why do you bring excuses? Why do you suppress your spirit of independence? Why do you choke up all of these passions and calls of love? Why do you allow these beautiful blooming buds to wither away? Are you scared? From what? From poverty? From ceremonies? From inflation? From responsibility of life? From having children? You are afraid you whould not be able to cope with their expenses? You fear that you may not be able to continue your education? You are afraid you would not be able to manage and run
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your family expeneses?
My dear, do not be afraid and scared. Allah is with you. Have trust in Him. Do not you believe Allah is all-strong, all-beneficent, and your helper? Would it not be a pity that you destroy your youth?
Marriage has a season and spring, and if this passes away, you would face a loss. The fruit that ripens and is not benefited from becomes spoiled and stale. Is it not a pity that a young one, who has Allah to support and help him, is afraid of such imaginary and absurd matters?
Be brave! Take steps depending and trusting upon Allah. Be contented and assured that Allah will help you and inshallah you will succeed.
Allah has promised in the holy Quran that he will solve the problems and difficulties, saying:
إن يكونوا فقراء يغنهم الله من فضله.
"If they are needy (poor), Allah will made them free from want, out of His grace." (24:32)
Do you not believe in Allah's promise and commitment?
God forbid such be the case. Allah will definitely materialise His promise. Come on, enter the field with trust in Allah and get married! I promise you that if you minutely scrutinize and concentrate on choosing your spouse and observe and practice all the orders, commandments, standards criterions which Islam has set for marriage and which have been described in
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this book, you will definitely be prosperous.
Oh brother and sister, do not say: "Perhaps you are unaware what is going on in this society. Do you not know what number of difficulties has been created upon the way to marriage? Do you not know what amount of misfortunes and afflictions are brought into effect by some selfish and foolish parents for their children in connection with their marriage? And what amount of undue and illogical expectations they have from the sons and daughters?" Yes, I am aware of all these facts more than you are aware, since, on account of our responsibilites, answerabilites and nature of work, we are more concerned and in touch with the society. Many young ones contact us about their problems. I am thoroughly conversant and aware of the difficulties of the youth, but with all my knowledge of these problems, I say: "Marry, do not be afraid, take the step." We will discuss the difficulties shortly.