THIRD: NOBILITY OF THE FAMILY
(A FUNDAMENTAL AND UNAVOIDABLE CONDITION FOR BOTH SIDES)
Family nobility does not mean fame, wealth,and social status. Rather it means modesty, purity and religiousness. Marriage with someone is equal to a bond with a family, tribe, and a race.
It is not logical that in connection with marriage one says:"I desire to marry this person and have notion do with his or her family, relation, and tribe", since:
1- This person is part of the same family and tribe and is the branch of the same tree. This branch has received its nutrition and growth from the roots of the same tree. It is certain that most the moral, spiritual, intellectual and physical qualities and specifications of that family have been transferred through heritage, training, environment, habits, etc to this person.
The prophet of Islam (a.s) said in this regard:
تزوجوا في الحجر الصالح فإن العرق دساس.
"Marry from a decent family, for genealogy affect very much."
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At another place he (a.s) said:
أنظر في إي شيء تضع ولدك فإن العرق دساس.
"investigate very carefully and minutely as to where you will place your place your child, for genealogy affects very much."
2- Even if you do not have anything to do with them, they would have something to do with you!
Never can you detach your spouse from them. Neither can you yourself cut off your link with them. You must be associated and linked to them for a whole lifetime. If the spouse's family are a wicked and corrupt people, they will agonize the person. And one cannot totally refrain and put and absolute constraint upon their interference in one's life, and on the bonds with them.
3- Their good or bad name and reputation remains attached to a person for the whole of his life and does have effects upon it. It will be much too difficult for you to endure and withstand their bad name.
4- Their qualities and peculiarities have effect upon the future of the children.
The Prophet (a.s) said in this connection:
إختاروا لنطفكم فإن الأبناء تشبه الأخوال.
"Choose a proper and suitable place for your semen, because children become similar to their maternal uncles." 1
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1- Jawahir, vol. 29,p 37.
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Brother and sister! You must never be subjected to sentiments and emotions and take decision in that condition regarding important matters.
If 'spouse selection' is excluded from the influence and hold of intellect and reason and is placed into the realm of sentiments and superficial views, it would be followed by misery and misfortune.
Now you are positioned and stationed on the threshold and doorway of a great change. Minutely think and contemplate what you are doing. Now you with to connect your future with a family. The result of this linkage should be progress, completion and prosperity, not downfall, retrogression, and misery. See the glorious prophet of Islam (a.s) with the eyes of your heart, addressing you, and hear his alarming and warning message with the ears of your soul, as he said:
"The prophet of Islam (a.s) stood to deliver a speech and said,
"Oh people, beware of the greenery (growing) upon a dung hill. He was asked "Oh prophet of Allah (a.s), what is the greenery on the dung hill?"
he replied, "A beautiful woman raised and brought up in a bad nursery (family)."1
We have seen many youth who have been deceived by the apparent and outward show and have thrown themselves into sewers and marshes from where the exit has become impossible.
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1- Wasail al-Shia, vol. 14, p 29.
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QUESTION AND ANSWER
Question: We have observed that sometimes decent, nice children come of bad families and indecent and wicked children come from good families. Why?
Answer: Yes it is as you say, but this happens only sometimes and is an exceptional event. Sometimes a flower blooms in a bad place and a thorn does in a good place. But laws cannot be based upon exceptions. What we describe is on the basis of majority.
Secondly, these exception have common roots with their principle. Without doubt, the effect of these common roots are there in their existence , which may not appear in normal situations and circumstances, but do become apparent in turbulent and abnormal conditions.
Thirdly, if somebody is sure that this branch is different from the main tree, and similarly he may be able to separate and detach this branch from the origin, and does not permit that his or her family have any role to play, interfere in his or her future, and so on, then he or she can marry. But it is not everyone's job.
ANOTHER QUESTION:
So what should the children of corrupt, impure an immoral families do? Shall they remain unmarried?
ANSWER:
The detailed answer to this question will come at the end of this chapter.
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FORTH: REASON
(BASIC CONDITION FOR BOTH PARTIES)
A sound and healthy mind is need for the sake of bringing about a prosperous life. Intellect is like a flashlight, which illuminates the avenue of life and projects and shows the ups and downs of it, so that one can take suitable decisions about them. Intellect is the medium of distinguishing between goodness, wrong and evil. Spouses must be equipped with the power of mind and reason for the sake of administrating and managing a correct life and bringing up and raising decent children.
The commander of the believers Ali (a.s) staunchly and strongly forbade marriage with a foolish and insane person.
إياكم و تزويج الحمقاء فإن صحبتها بلاء و ولدها ضياع.
"Avoid marrying a stupid person, since her company is a woe (calamity or distress) and her children are also wasted." 1
Imam described two important point in this Hadith; one is that the company of a foolish spouse is distress and woe which makes a wise man miserable, and the other one is that of the waste and loss of her offspring, since genes affect them by way of heritage and simultaneously, their training, conduct, and character to are lost.
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1- Wasail a-Shia, vol. 14, p 56.
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NOTICE !
It is possible that a person is educated but not wise an sagacious, or wise but not educated. That is to say, being educated does not necessarily mean being sage and wise, just as intelligence is not the same as being educated. Of course, knowledge and mind mutually affect each other. Many a time, a person may be educated but lacks reason and insight into life. At the same time, another one may be uneducated but have the reason and wits to organize and run one's life. And if these two (reason and education) get together, it is so much better. Similarly, some of the craftiness and and cunningness must not be taken for intellect, and the doer of those be named intelligent ad sagacious.
MEANING OF REASON AS DEFINED BY IMAM SADIQ (A.S)
He was asked, "What is mind?"
He said:
ما عبد به الرحمن واكتسب به الجنان.
"It is a ting by which Allah is worshiped and paradise is achieved."
The questions asked: "So what was it that Moawiyah (Allah's curse be upon him) possessed?"
Imam said:
تلك النكراءو تلك الشيطنة, و هي شبيهة بالعقل و ليست بالعقل.
"What he had was deception (trickery) and craftiness and that has a resemblance with reason but is not the
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reason itself." 1
AN UNPLEASANT SPECIMEN
A girl, who had a weak intellect but apparently was beautiful, was engaged to Ghulam. Right from the time of engagement , Ghulam became aware for the weakness of the girl's mind and wanted to change his mind and give up the idea of marriage with her, but her beauty and charm had dazzled his mind.
Anyway, the marriage took shape. After a certain period of time, the difficulties started, because the pretty girl who had charmed Ghulam with her beauty, which had filled up all the gaps and shortcomings of the girl in his opinion, was unable to withstand the continuance of that condition and could not take the place and responsibilities of a wife. That woman could not play the role of a sympathiser, companion, and helper of her husband,as a wife. Their lives became colder with each day that passed until they had a child.
Usually after a child enters a family, life becomes sweeter and more hopeful. But not only did not occur in their lives, but their difficulties and hardships increased, because the woman did not have the capability and potential of bearing children and could not be a good mother for the child.
Ghulam took his wife to a psychiatrist for a check up (whereas he should have done it before marriage).
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1- Usool Kafi, vol. 1, Kitabul Aql Wal Jahl, Hadith 3.
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The psychiatrist diagnose that the wits and mind of the girl was low and equivalent to half her own age and that she was not curable. It is clear that such a life cannot continue. In the end, Ghulam divorced his wife and the innocent child became motherless.
A MORE UNPLEASANT SPECIMEN
Hamida was a religious, sagacious, wise and honourable lady who was faced with a characterless, cunning, libertine, and witless person. She was greatly agonized and distressed by the character and conduct of her husband.
The husband earned money by unfair and illegal means like forgery, fraud and unfair mediations. Hamida was extremely perturbed and terrified about his doubtful prohibited earnings. Her husband did not mind having unlawful and illicit relation with other women, whereas she herself was a pure, noble woman and was much pained and distressed by the anti-moral activities of her husband; yet, she guarded the reputation and honour (of the family) and kept silent about it.
A few years passed in this manner and for all her endeavours she could not reform and set her husband aright. On the contrary, the wealthier he became, the more corrupt and debauched he became. At last, her patience came to an end, and she could not no longer tolerate and stand his bad, evil character and unwise conduct and finally left him.
But alas! She was no more the same Hamida she used to be before marriage. Her felicity, sound mind and
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joyous spirit were withered and destroyed by that witless devil.
(فاعتبروا يا أولي الأبصار)
"O you watchful people, take lesson!"
FIFTH: PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH
Physical and spiritual health has an important role in the success an prosperity of the joint life of a couple. Some of the ailments do not have much importance and are not hurdles and hindrances in performing marital duties and responsibilities. They do not give any shock or blow to life and one can bear them, or they can be cured and remedied by treatment and looked after.
Our discussion does not pertain to such diseases. Instead, those which must be taken into view while selecting a spouse are chronic ailment and deformities and disabilities, both of a physical and spiritual nature, which are incurable and accompany a man for the whole of his life, and where their endurance and bearing difficult for the spouse. Moreover, they are constraining factors in playing th perfect role of a spouse.
A spouse must love his of her mate to have a good life, and some defects and deformities hinder this love.
Letting this matter go unnoticed and having a sentimental and unreasonable attitude to may cause heavy loss and damage to life.
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CONSIDER THIS MISERABLE SPECIMEN:
Hadi was a healthy and enthusiastic youth. He married a girl who had a physical deformity. he was aware about it before the marriage, yet being overwhelmed by sentiments, and not contemplating the consequences and the other dimensions of the matter, he, through pity and sympathy, accepted to perform a good deed by marrying her.
After a certaining time, the man started making excuses. The physical defect of the woman was such that it affected his sexual satisfaction.
Hadi was shy to say distinctly and clearly what troubled him. And so he made other excuses. The confrontation and disputed increased. These differences and tussles were on hand, while on the other, the women felt very humiliated due to her deformity. Thus she began to suffer from spiritual and psychological diseases too. The complications increased with the passage of time.
Hadi consulted me about the problems in their lives, and believed the psychological and nervous ailment were the real factor of their differences and difficulties, not as a disease, but in the form of his wife's faults. But I knew where the actual difficulty was.
Psychological treatments were undertaken, but the differences continued, until Hadi's energies failed and he could no more tolerate and carry on with that life. He married another girl.
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Now, as I write these lines, that poor girl lives in her father's house. She is neither divorced nor does she have a joint life.
Islam has prohibited marriage with certain patients. For instance, those carrying diseases like leprosy, madness, etc. which are the cause of spouse misery and the destruction of the future generation.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: So what must disable and deformed patients do? Should they always remain spouseless?
A: At the end of this chapter, and similarly in the discussion under th topic of 'sacrificial marriages' which is located in 'chapter 6' we will inshallah, answer this question.
SIXTH: BEAUTY
Beauty is a distinction and has and exceptionally great effect in sweetening and making marital life prosperous. When persons, as spouses and helpers, want to raise a prosperous and felicitous centre and live together with love, purity, and intimacy for the whole of their lives, it is necessary that they should like each other from every aspect and must also like each other's physiques, faces and apparent looks.
Beauty does not have a certain standard and fixed scale and lacks a 'law of criterion' so that individuals may be judged by that; instead, to an extent, it is pertinent to the taste of the individuals themselves. It is even possible that a person is beautiful from one person's view and ugly from that of another. It is said about
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Laila and Majnoon (two lovers) that Laila was an ugly girl from the point of view others, but from majnoon's she was pretty. So the quality of beauty is a relative quality and it must not essentially be at the loftiest grade. Instead, what is necessary, is the mutual liking and attraction of the two spouses. If a person does not like the apparent looks and the face and figure of his spouse, he may unintentionally commit excess upon her and find faults and criticize her make her life bitter.
The beauty of the spouse has effect on protecting and strengthening the modesty and faith of the spouse. If a spouse is pleased with the beauty of his spouse, he would not divert his sight, mind and practice towards others and would not envy others' beautiful spouses. As a result, he would not go after strangers and would not commit dishonesty with his wife (both men and women), unless he comes out of the course of nature and does not have a share of faith and modesty.
Islam has emphasized and stressed this point. The Prophet (a.s) said:
إذا أراد أحدكم أن يتزوج المرأة فليسأل عن شعرها, كما يسأل عن وجهها, فإن الشعر أحد الجمالين.
"When one of you intends to marry a woman, he should ask about
her hair, just as he asks about her face (beauty), since the
hair is one of the two beauties (of women)."
And similarly, it has been recommended that the spouses beautify and decorate themselves for each
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other and please and satisfy one another to remain safe and sound from deviations, corruption, and debauchery.
When one of the infallible Imams has coloured his blessed hair with Henna (dye made from a shrub), someone surprisingly asked him, "Have you beautified yourself?"
Imam (a.s) said: "yes! Decorating and beautifying (oneself) increases the modesty of women." 1
Indifference and carelessness toward these matters may bring about miseries and scandals.
It is necessary to discuss love and sexual problems separately, which we will do in the chapter under the topic 'Love, the axis of life'.
NOTE
Beauty should be considered beside other qualities and standards, no as an independent one. That is, beauty devoid of religiousness, modesty and morality is not only unappreciated as a distinction, but also is a dangerous calamity. Beauty is taken to be a perfection, worth and distinction for someone, only when that person is equipped and decorated with religion, morality, modesty, nobility and reason, otherwise it is a defaming affliction.
Beauty lacking modesty is greenery growing upon a dung hill. The saying of the Prophet (a.s), which has been described, is very suitable here:
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1- Biharul Anwar, vol.103, p 237.
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"Avoid the greenery growing over the dunghill (heaps of dirt)."
Similarly, "The one who marries a woman for her beauty (only), he will see unpleasant thing in her."
'Beauty' is not considered one of the basic and independent factors in marital life, rather it is a 'quality of perfection' which if accompanied by fundamental and basic qualities has worth, otherwise no!
Regrettably, sometimes this quality dazzles the insight of the youth and they sacrifice most of their values upon it. The apparent attractions and charms deprive them of farsightedness and make them fascinated and enchanted, so that having forgotten the real and actual standards, they neglect those. Thus they raise the structure of life upon a weak and unstable foundation. As a consequence, after a period, when that freshness and apparent attractions have a fall and, on the other hand, the enthusiasm and emotional storm of passions also subside, then dismay and disagreements evolve on the scene and the displeasing factors and peculiarities become obvious and evident.
But for the person who establishes his life upon the foundations of faith, religiousness, modesty and the real and noble values, and considers beauty as a 'completing distinction' the passage of time cannot wear out and erode that life.
إن الذين آمنوا و عملوا الصالحات سيجعل لهم الرحمان ودا.
"Surely (as for) those who believe and do good deeds, for
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them will Allah bring about love."
Allah places such and intense love and immense and profound fondness as a reward in the hearts of faithful spouses that cannot be wiped out and annihilated even by the termination of youth's livelihood.
ما عندكم ينفد و ما عندالله باق.
"What is with you passes away (finishes) and what is with Allah is enduring."
The relation that is established on the basis of allah's values is an eternal and everlasting bondage and those contrary to it would be unsteady and unstable.
SEVENTH: KNOWLEDGE AND EDUCATION
Knowledge and education have a great effect on the prosperity and felicity of man. Being educated and gaining knowledge is obligatory on every Muslim man and woman.1
This specification is the focus of attention in spouse selection and a joint life and is considered to be a distinction for a decent and suitable spouse. It also has a deep effect on attaining perfection and the progress of life, performing marital duties and the bringing up and training of children.
But this peculiarity (like beauty) is the condition of perfection, not its foundation and should be considered beside real and basic qualities and
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1- Prophet (a.s), Usool-e Kafi, vol. 1, the chapter on Excellence of knowledge, Hadith 1.
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standards, not independently. All that has been discussed about 'beauty' stands valid and is true this discussion as well.
Knowledge, short of commitment and faith is always harmful, as is beauty without faith and modesty.
That which is important in this topic is the proportions and equality of learning between two spouses, which will inshallah, be described in the next discussion, i.e. 'equity.'