C. Marriage
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In this section, we shall discuss about the marriage ceremony. But first a brief discussion about some of the often asked question.* Do parents have any right over the marriage of their children?
The father and paternal grandfather have full authority over the children who have not yet reached the age of puberty. When a child reaches the age of puberty, then there are three different situations:
(a) a child who is baligh but not mentally mature: in this case, the father and the grandfather still have their authority over him or her. Such a child cannot take a decision on marriage without the approval of the father or the grandfather.
(b) a male child is baligh and also mentally mature: in this case, he has full right to decide about his own marriage.
(c) a girl who is baligha and mentally mature: There are four different opinions on this issue.1 But the majority of the present mujtahids say that in her first marrige, a baligha and mentally girl cannot marry without the permission of her father or grandfather. And if such a girl had already married before, then she has full right to decide for herself in case of her second marriage.2
This law is in place to act as an extra protection to the honour of a teenage girl. On the other hand, if the father or grandfather refuse to give his consent to a proposal of a suitable man, then the girl can approach a religious judge whose decision will supersede that of her father.* By considering the issue of hijab in Islam, is a boy permitted to look at the girld before marrying her?
Man is allowed to see without hijab the woman whom he intends to marry. However, this permission is just for the man or the woman to see the perspective spous once;3 it is not a perpetual license to go out together! I strongly recommend that this should be done in supervision of the parents or the guardians.* Can a boy and a girl who are engaged meet each other or go out together?
In Islam, there is no ceremony known as engagement. According to the shari'ah, engagement is a revokable agreement between two persons to marry each other, nothing more; it does not make the two persons mahram to each other. They still have to observe the rules of hijab.
But if two persons who are engaged with to meet each other and go out, then there is a way to legalize that Islamically. This can be done by performing mut'ah marriage between the fiance and the fiancee. They can even put a condition in the mut'ah that there will be no sexual relations. This way, they will be able to meet each other without any objection from the shari'ah. This method can also be adopted by those who wish to go through the engagement ceremony.
However, as mentioned earlier, a girl who has not married before, will need her father's or grandfather's approval even in such a mut'ah marriage.Are there any special days in the Islamic calendar when marriage is encouraged or discouraged? Basically marriage is allowed at all times.
However, there are some days on which marriage is not recommended; some of these are based on ahadith and some on cultural, historical reasons. Generally, we can categorize these days into three:
(a) There are some ahadith which say that it is makruh (not recommended) to have marriage ceremony on the days when the moon is in the direction of the Scorpio (this is known as al-qamar fi aqrab or qamar dar aqrab), during the last two or three days of the lunar months, and on Wednesdays.
(b) There are some ahadith which says that certain days of each month are ill-omen days (nahas); these days are the 3rd, 5th, 16th, 21st, 24th and 25th of lunar months.
However, the ahadith for both the above categories would not stand the scrutiny of the scholars of hadith. Our mujtahids do not normally apply their full expertise in matters not related to obligatory or prohibitive commands. They relax the criteria for acceptability of ahadith in matters related to sunnat and makruh acts. This is known in usulu 'l-fiqh as "qa'idatu 't-tasamuh," that is, the rule of leniency (in ascertaining the acceptability of hadith).1 This has been mentioned very clearly by Ayatullah al-Khu'i in his manual of fatwas. He says, "Most of the mustahab acts mentioned in the chapters of this book are based on the qa'idatu 't-tasamuh in sources of the sunnat acts. Therefore, whatever has not been proved sunnat in our view should be done with intention of raja'il matlubiyyah. The same applies to the makruh acts; these should be abstained from with the intention of raja'il matlubiyyah."2
As far as the two categories for marriage days are concerned, it will suffice to quote Ayatullah Gulpayegani, one of the leading mujtahids of our time who says: "One may follow these mustahab and makruh acts with the intention of raja'il matlubiyyah, because there is no clear evidence for some of these things."3
(c) There are certain days of the Islamic calendar which have become associated with the early events of
I must explain why I have written wedding 'night' and not 'day'. The hadith says, 'Take the bridge to her new home during the night,"1 Based on this saying, it is recommended that wedding should take place at night. After all, Allah has made the night "so that you may rest in it." (10:67)
After the bride has entered the room, the groom is recommended to take off the bride's shoes, was her feet (in a washbowl) and then sprinkle the water around the room.
Then the groom should be wuzu and pray two rak'at sunnat prayer and then recite the following du'a:
Then he should ask the bride to do wuzu and pray two rak'at sunnat prayer.
When they are ready to go to bed, the groom should put his hand on the bride's forehead and pray the following du'a while facing the qiblah. (So those going on honey moon in a foreign country, don't forget your qiblah compass!)
Is it necessary to have sexual intercourse on the very first night of wedding or can it be delayed? As far as the shari'ah is concerned, it is neither obligatory nor forbidden to have sex on the first night. It is a private decision between the newly wed couple; it has nothing to do with others. However, I must say that the groom should take the feeling of his bride into consideration; at all, she is new to him and to the surrounding.* Is sex forbidden at any time in marriage?
Yes, by considering the discomfort for the women during the monthly periods, Islam has forbidden both the husband and the wife from engaging in sexual intercourse during the menstruation. The Qur'an says:
According to the shari'ah, the duration of the monthly period is more than three and less than ten days. If the bleeding was for less than three days, it is menstruation; if it is for more than ten days, then it was menstruation for ten days and then it is counted as istihazah, irregular bleeding during which sex is permitted.1 The prohibition of sex during the period is limited strictly to sexual intercourse; other intimate contact (with the exception of the vagina and anus) is allowed. However, it is better not to play with her body between the naval and the knees.
If a person who is engaged in sexual intercourse with his wife discovers that her periods has begun, then he should immediately withdraw from her.
It is clear from the verse mentioned above (until the blood stops) that once the blood was stopped, intercourse becomes lawful even if the woman has not performed the major ritual ablution (ghusl). But on the basis of the subsequent sentence (then when they have cleansed themselves ...), most mujtahids say that it is better to refrain from intercourse till she performs the ghusl or, at least, washes her private parts.2
Sexual intercourse is also not allowed during the post-natal bleeding (10 days), during daytime in the month of Ramadhan, and when a person is in ihram during the pilgrimage to Mecca.
At all other times, sexual intercourse is allowed.* Is it discouraged (makruh) to have sex at any time or on any day?
There are certain ahadith which say that sexual intercourse during some days and at some times is makruh, but not haram. These days and times are as follows:
i. during frightful natural occurences, e.g., eclipse, hurricane, earthquake;
ii. from sunset till maghrib;
iii. from dawn till sunrise;
iv. the last three nights of lunar months;
v. eve of the 15th of every lunar month;
vi. eve of 10th Zil-hijjah;
vii. after becoming junub.
Some of these are self-explanatory: I don't think any one would be in the mood for sexual intercourse during a hurricane or earthquake. The second and third example are of the prayer times; obviously, a Muslim is expected to spend that time in meditation and prayer. But remember, it is makruh, not haram to have sexual intercourse at these time. Moreover, the hadith for the such issues have been accepted on basis of the qa'idatu 't-tasamuh mentioned earlier. Thirdly, the reasons given for this karahat are mostly about possible deformity of a child conceived at that time. By looking at these reasons, I am inclined to restrict this karahat only in cases of couples who plan to have children, and not extend it to those who practise birth
* Are there days and times when sexual intercourse is recommended?
Yes, we have certain ahadith which say that it is better to have sexual intercourse at these times:
i. Sunday night;
ii. Monday night;
iii. Wednesday night;
iv. Thursday noon;
v. Thursday night;
vi. Friday evening;
vii. whenever the wife wants to have sex.
Thursday & Friday are weekends in Islamic calendar!* Are there times when it is obligatory (wajib) to have sexual intercourse?
Yes! It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right.Before I start writing anything about sexual techniques, it is necessary to stay that there exist no rules and laws either in foreplay or in intercourse. The only laws and rules are the ones reached by the lovers by mutual, and often unspoken, understanding. Whatever is pleasing
Man often forgets that woman also has been created with the same desires as man. Asbagh bin Nubatah quotes Imam 'Ali that, "Almighty God created sexual desires in ten parts: then He gave nine parts to women and one to men." But then Allah also gave them "equal parts of shyness."1 Many times this shyness makes the man ignore the desires of his wife.
Based on this reality, Islam emphasizes on fore-play. Imam 'Ali says, "When you intend to have sex with your wife, do not rush because the woman (also) have needs (which should be fulfilled)."2 Sex without fore-play has been equated to cruelty. The Prophet said, "Three people are cruel: ... a person who has sex with his wife without foreplay."3 Another hadith equates sex without foreplay to animal behaviour; "When anyone of you has sex with his wife, then he should not go to them like birds; instead he should be slow and delaying."4 The Prophet said, "No one among you should have sex with his wife like animals; rather there should be a messenger between them." When asked about the messenger, he said, "It means kissing and talking."5 Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq has been quoted as follows: "... there should be mutual foreplay between them because it is better for sex."6 The Prophet said, "... every play of a believer is void except in
As for the role of woman in sexual foreplay, the Imam have praised a wife who discards shyness when she is with her husband. A hadith was quoted earlier from Imam 'Ali which said that woman have been given nine-tenth of the sexual desire but Allah has also given them nine-tenth of shyness. I had promised in chapter two to explain the rationale behind this hadith. There might seem a contradiction in this act of God, but it is not so. Both the sexual desire and the shyness have been placed for very specific purpose. The sexual desire is to be unleashed, yes unleashed, when a woman is with her husband, but it must be shielded with shyness when she is with other people. This has been very eloquently explained by Imam Muhammad al-Baqir when he said, "The best woman among you is the one who discards the armour of shyness when she undresses for her husband, and puts on the armour of shyness when she dresses up again."3
These sayings clearly show that the husband and the wife should feel completely free when they are engaged in mutual stimulation which is known as foreplay. There is nothing wrong, according to Islam, for a woman to be active and responsive during sex. This is diametrically opposed to the sexual morality of the Christian West world during the pre-sexual revolution era. Russell says,
As for the Islamic shari'ah, all the mujtahids are unanimous in saying that the act of sexual foreplay in itself is mustahab (recommended). Likewise, it is recommended not to rush into sexual intercourse. The operative word is mutual pleasure and satisfaction.
