Question 120
My husband hates me because he wants male children from me, but Allah gives me females. What is my guilt in this? Why are men so severe? I hope that you do not misunderstand me. I want to express my suffering and show the ignorance of some husbands who ignore the wisdom of Allah in His people. I offer my question so that you may show my husband and those like him the viewpoint of Islam in this concern. Thanks a lot.
The answer: Dear patient sister, I appreciate your feelings and I do not misunderstand you. In fact, I agree with you on what you say. Men are severe, but just some of them or maybe most of them. As for your husband and his like, they are unaware of the following points:
1. A husband should be happy with what Allah, Who knows the benefit of man, gives him. Let him read, for example, this saying of the Prophet (s), 'There is no house having girls in it except twelve blessings and mercies come down to it from Heaven every day. The visit of the angels to that house does not stop. They (the angels) write to the girls' father every day and night (the reward of) worships of a year.'
2
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2 Jami' al-Akhbar, p.285.
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2. Doctors have proved that the semen of man determines the gender of the fetus, and the wife has nothing to do in this concern. She is just like a vessel, and the husband has to thank her because she protects his deposit in her vessel until she lays down this heavy burden. She suffers much pain and difficulties throughout the period of pregnancy.
Allah says in the Qur'an, (And We have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months; until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favor which Thou bast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely I turn to Thee, and surely I am of those who submit).
1 Thus, Allah appreciates the efforts of a woman; then why should the husband not appreciate them if he believes in Allah?
3. The roots of hating female children stem from the pre- Islamic era. A Muslim husband should protect himself from falling into the abyss of that age of ignorance.
4. The Creator is Allah the Almighty and the husband should feel ashamed of himself if his ignorance leads him to oppose his Creator.
5. The vigor and vitality of the wife bring happiness to the marital life and make the husband recover his senses. A nice story in this concern has been mentioned by al-Jahidh in his book al-Bayan (p.186). He says,
'Once, Abu Hamza ad-Dhabbiy left the tent of his wife and went to live with one of his neighbors when his wife gave birth to a girl. One day, he passed by his wife's tent while she was playing with her daughter and singing,
"what is the matter with Abu Hamza,
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1 Qur'an, 46:15.
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that he does not come to us?
He stays in the house next to us,
angry that we don't give birth to boys.
By Allah, it is not in our hands.
We just take what we are given.
And we are like the farm to the farmers,
we grow what they have sowed in us!"
Then Abu Hamza came into his wife's tent and kissed his daughter's head and her mother.'
6. Nevertheless, to be given a male child, there are some scientific and religious ways and others of the unseen, which a man can follow without harming his poor wife.
It is reported that Imam as-Sadiq (s) has said, 'Whoever wants a male child to be born, let him place his right hand on his wife's navel on the right side (when making love), recite the Sura of al-Qadr (97) seven times, and then make love, and every day in the morning and evening he should recite (subhanallah: glory be to Allah) seventy times, (astaghfirullah: I ask Allah to forgive me) ten times, (subhanallah al-adheem: glory be to Allah the Great) nine times, and the tenth time he should say: (astaghfirullaha innallaha kaana ghaffara yursilis samaa'a 'alaykum midrara wa yumdidkum bi 'amwaalin wa baneena wa yaj'al lakum jannaatin wa yaj'al lakum anhaara: I ask Allah to forgive me because Allah (is the most Forgiving. He will send down upon you the cloud, pouring down abundance of rain, and help you with wealth and sons, and make for you gardens, and make for you rivers)
1').
2
Question 121
I am sterile and there is no hope for a cure for me. I want to know why I have been afflicted with this injustice, and what the guilt of my
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1 Qur'an, 71:10-12.
2 Jami' al-Akhbar, p.281.
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wife is that she will not have a child to call her "mama" all her life and be delighted like all other mothers!
O sheikh, please, excuse me for this question! I do not object to the wisdom of my Lord, but the Satan whispers into my heart.
The answer: Dear brother, since you know that the Satan whispers to you, you must seek the protection of Allah against him. You have to submit to the Lord of the worlds because He is aware of you, your wife, and millions of people like you. He is more aware of what benefits His people and what harms them. You do not know; perhaps when you are given a child, it may be born handicapped and then you and your wife will suffer difficulties and insomnia all your life, or when your child grows up, he may be a source of troubles to you and to your wife. Many accidents have happened in this life, any one of which is sufficient to give people big lessons. Many parents wished they had no child after being involved in great troubles because of him.
Then, why should you let the Satan affect your faith even a little? Thus, you will lose your faith and this loss is bitterer than your not having a child.
You should believe in the wisdom of Allah sincerely, adhere to your faith and certainty, shut out the whispers of the Satan who destroys you through your passion, and say, when the Satan begins whispering to you, 'Perhaps that I have not been given is better for me because my Lord is aware of the ends of things' and Allah is the Guardian of the believers.
Question 122
My wife is sick. In fact, she is handicapped, and I want to get married to another wife, but I am confused as to what the consequences of doing this will be. I cannot tolerate living with her forever. Whenever I think of my state of continuing to live with my wife versus getting married to another one, I find so many difficulties gather in my heart, which seems like it is about to stop beating. Please, guide me to the right way, and may Allah reward you with goodness!
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The answer: Dear brother, take it easy! Let your mind think, and do not put dams of illusion before yourself! Every problem has a solution by the will of Allah the Almighty. This world, with all its defects, has good people yet; otherwise, it would have sunk with its people.
Things are not dark, and life is not melancholy as the Satan shows it to you. You asked me to guide you to the right way, and I say that it begins from the following:
First, pray to Allah to guide you to the right path and to not allow you to follow your desires at all!
Second, consult with reasonable people about the steps you should take!
Third, treat your sick wife with kindness and mercifulness only whenever your circumstances allow you to do that!
Fourth, assure her that your marriage to another one does not mean that you will ignore her, and tell her that her cooperation in this matter will make you love and respect her even more!
Fifth, in your dealings with her, be understanding and lenient in all situations and expect your reward from Allah, Who rewards good-doers, and the reward of whoever does good will not be lost!
Finally, if you decide to get married while your first wife is unwilling in spite of all the previous steps, and your second marriage has legal reasons, try to get married without letting her know in order to not increase her sickness. If temporary marriage can solve your problem, you may prefer it to a permanent marriage. And then if she finds out about you and becomes angry, you should not reply to her angrily or harm her for it has been mentioned in traditions that it is not a habit of generous people to avenge immediately.
Nevertheless, I think that you would be better off being patient if observing patience is possible for you.
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Question 123
My husband was handicapped after a traffic accident. How can I continue living with him until the last of my life while I am still young?
The answer: If the love between you is true, the matter is easy, but if the love is weak or you think selfishly, the matter is difficult.
Dear sister, I hope you accept reality because faithfulness and patience are much higher values than personal ambition, except if the husband does not appreciate this faithfulness and you cannot be patient with him. In this case, you would be better off to ask him for a divorce, and if he does not divorce you, then you can go to the legal judge (the religious authority) to determine your situation.
The basis of a happy life is love and devotion. Try to live with this valuable reminder, which if lost for some reason or other, there will be no reason to make you continue your life with your husband except if you have a greater power of patience, sacrifice, and altruism and if you want the reward of the afterlife.
In general, you should deal with your problem wisely and prefer what is more important to any important thing. I pray to Allah for you.
Question 124
My question does not concern me. It is about how to deal with a husband or a wife who has qualities of nervousness, stupidity, ignorance, indifference, obscenity, or haughtiness but insists on adhering to these qualities and does not accept advices or think of reform.
The answer: I advise the people, who are afflicted with such spouses, to regard what they consider to be important things in the light of their benefits. Sometimes patience and silence are preferred because they are the best ways to defeat the problems that lie in the way of success as mentioned in one of the traditions "He is happy whose tongue is silent and whose
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speech is little but meaningful", whereas at other times divorce and separation must be preferred.
Question 125
What is the right behavior to adopt if one of the spouses is polite and high-minded but not religious and pays no attention to lawful or unlawful things, purity or impurity?
The answer: If this does not cause a conflict, it will be better for them to live as two spouses and continue loving each other, hoping that Allah may guide the unreligious one to be religious and then they may live happily according to the principles of Islam. But if this attitude will cause a conflict between them, for example, if the husband forces his religious wife to take off her veil before his friends or to serve drinks for his guests or to give up prayers and fasting, first, he must be advised either directly or indirectly by other persons. If this is useless, then the rupture of relations should be followed. Sometimes, the rupture of relations is in the form of a separation to force the other side to reform himself/herself and sometimes in the form of divorce. It is better that these stages should be carried out under the supervision of a religious and wise family counselor. The objective is not to give up the religious obligations, for no obedience to a creature is worth disobeying the Creator. What is the value of the creature for whom man disobeys his Exalted Lord?
A religious wife has to take the Pharaoh's wife as her example, as has been mentioned in the Holy Qur'an, and a religious husband has to notice the example of Prophet Lot towards his wife. Man will withstand if he looks forward to the happiness of the afterlife, for this life with all its sweetness, which is mixed with the bitterness of problems, is evanescent and not eternal. Sudden death often happens in our present age. Do you not see how our youths are surprised by death and swallowed by graves without a prior notice? Being caught up in the pleasures of this life, which may be for a short time, is followed by deprivation of eternal pleasures in the bliss of Paradise, which Allah has
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prepared for the pious.
Question 126
I have a young friend whose husband is very old. Sometimes, she asks me: what is a suitable conduct that meets the rights of the husband in order to please Allah? Then what are the rights of this young wife with a great ambition on her husband? What will her fate be after the death of such an old husband? I am not able to answer my friend's questions except in general points, which are not sufficient. Would you please say what could persuade her and those like her? Thanks.
The answer: First, we should say that she has married willingly. She has not been forced to accept an old man as her husband. If it is so, she has to accept the consequences of her choice and be a good wife to her husband without comparing him to young husbands. The first one to compare and perish, and cause others to perish with him, was Iblis, and Allah has warned us of following him.
As for death, people's ages are in the hand of Allah. How often it is that young people die and old people participate in their funerals! Let -us suppose that her husband dies as others die, whether she is young or old at the time. Then, she has to do as widows do. She must wait for a new prospective husband or become patient as most widows or as spinsters do who accept reality and adapt themselves to its requirements. This kind of marriage does not mandate worrying about the future or being melancholy. A polite and religious old man is better than a reckless young man.
The important thing is submission to fate and then to behave according to the Islamic morals. Satisfaction, as stated in the traditions, is a treasure that has no end, and contentment is a rest that discontented people will not taste.
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Question 127
I live with my husband in emigration. He is very kind and does not deprive me of my rights as a wife. I am proud of him and of the sound children Allah has given me through him. Praise be to Allah. However, being in a state of emigration away from my relatives and country troubles me. I have been deprived of my relatives and country because of my husband who is one of the political oppositionists to the state. This matter causes me continuous worry. I do not know how to convince myself of the reality around me while my heart is aching with memories and longing for my country. I fear that my state may affect my relationship with my husband. Please, show me a solution to my case and accept my thanks!
The answer: Dear sister,
First, thank Allah for the faithful, mujahid1 husband you have! Those who have such qualities are few. As a part of thanking Allah, you should continue being patient with the difficulties of emigration and requirements of jihad. You should always remember that Allah has promised the mujahidin great reward and virtue, and they will enter Paradise without any reckoning.
Second, man has the ability to adapt himself to all environments. He can grow accustomed to whatever is around him, but it is culture and willpower that lead him to either happiness or wretchedness. Try your best to strengthen your willpower and culture but in a way that pleases Allah the Almighty!
Third, you may read the biographies of those who have preceded us in faith, emigration, and jihad for the sake of Allah, for history has great, useful, and inspiring lessons!
Fourth, you should be certain that life is unstable. It does not remain as it is; a wind brings the tide and another brings the ebb, and Allah has the power to do anything at any moment.
Fifth, you should read a lot about the decree of Fate, because
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1 Mujtahid is the one who fights for the sake of Allah.
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believing in this great concept cures many of our psychological and material problems.
Sixth, you should put your griefs and ambition in the frame of your marital life and darling children and make their happiness be the first and last goal in your life. It is this that will benefit you in this life and the afterlife. Let other matters and that which concerns other people be in the second and third degree. Do not mix up what is more important and what is important, because preferring the second one to the first will make you fail.
Seventh, you should know that the problems in the present age have spread in all countries, and your mother country is different now from what it was in the days of your memories. Conducts, morals, new generations, imported cultures, the types of economical and social relations, and whatever else you can imagine have become different and have changed since your emigration. It is not right, in evaluation, to dream of life in the past criteria and then walk behind their mirage.
Eighth, in your spare time, you should occupy yourself with social relations with your neighbors and with families who are in the same situation as you. The feeling of emigration disappears when man mixes with people of identical sufferings.
Ninth, you can assign yourself a mission to work for, according to your circumstances and intellectual level. Being busy with a certain goal closes the gaps of tiredness and exhaustion and brings one closer to success.
Tenth, you should always remember that life is short and a reasonable person is he who takes advantage of it to choose the best fruits before he misses the boat. Many are those who have emigrated and lived with their faith and then died (while in emigration) and will be in Paradise; whereas, if they had remained in their countries, they may have been among the people of Hell. How often it is that living in the motherland country for some believers, and even for those who have lost their faith, is bitter and difficult while it is not so after
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emigration.
Question 128
In our family there is a divorcee, and amongst our relatives there is a widow besides three spinsters. I see this state as irregular, though it is as a result of our society's ignorance of Islam, which they construe as just praying, fasting, and some other traditional rituals. They have turned their backs on the verdicts of Islam concerning polygamy, temporary marriage, facilitating marriage, and avoiding the habits from the time of ignorance. Would you please show us the verdict of Islam towards the situations of these women?
The answer: The phenomenon of the large numbers of divorcees, widows, and spinsters is universal. In our Muslim societies, it is supposed that this painful phenomenon would be limited if we followed all the principles of Islam without preferring one to another as we like, but, unfortunately, most of the Muslims have missed this way!
Islam is clear in its position towards this phenomenon. We can notice this through the following points:
First, Islam places certain conditions and limits for divorce, which cannot be executed easily.
Second, when a divorce takes place, Islam gives the option to a divorcee to remarry and not remain single.
Third, Islam has legislated the laws of polygamy and temporary marriage within conditions of justice and morality.
Fourth, Islam has facilitated the procedures for marriage with no strictness or difficulty.
Fifth, Islam has recommended people to treat these women with the utmost politeness, kindness, and respect and to feel and care for their sufferings. Islam has promised a great reward for this.
Sixth, wealthy people should establish centers and foundations to employ these women in works befitting their abilities, such as sewing, nursing, cooking, weaving, handiworks and the like,
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and then the products should be sold, and the profits should be given to the workers themselves, to help the orphans, to cure the sick, or to establish other charitable foundations.
Question 129
I was an unveiled girl at the university. I fed on the worldly cultures until I became self-conceited and thus killed my chance for happiness. One young man after another would come asking for my hand, but I kept refusing, wishing for the knight of my dreams to come, but he never did, or he might have been one of those who came but I could not discover him because of the mirage of my illusions and the facade of my wishes. Thus, I missed the boat of marriage and now I am one of the millions of spinsters. I regret, but uselessly. I have repented to Allah of what I have committed against myself. I do not know where I shall be after my death. I hope that girls and their parents might take a lesson from my case and refrain from complicating the conditions of marriage when a religious, high- minded young man comes asking for the girl's hand. How long does man plan on living that he complicates this life for himself? Our Islam, the religion of ease, has emphasized religiousness and morality when selecting spouses because it sees in them a sure guaranty to achieve the rest of the conditions of happiness, which are just branches of these two conditions.
After this foreword, my question is to ask for instructions for what remains of the life of a spinster who regrets being unjust to herself. Would you please answer me?
The answer: Dear sister, may Allah bless you! I pray to Allah to make your present and future better than your past and to recompense you for what you have missed with the best of that for what you wish as a reward from Him for your repentance, change, and loving heart that wishes goodness for others. I pray for you sincerely that you may defeat the obstacles in your way, and Allah will be with you in this life and in the afterlife if you are with Him.
I have read in your letter bitter sufferings and I feel sorry for your state. May Allah help your heart and damn that culture
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which has killed your happiness. I join my supplication and the hope and call of your supplication to warn Muslim girls of this predicament before they fall into the same error into which you fell.
Yes, there is no happiness save in going back to the pure culture of Islam. It truly is the culture of ease and bliss.
My instructions to you are as follows:
1. You should build your afterlife with every good deed.
2. You should spend your time with satisfying the needs of the believing women and guiding them to good and righteousness.
3. You should spend the rest of your life in spreading religion by every wise means, for example by publishing books, collecting donations for charitable projects, and the like.
4. Try to learn literary writing and giving speeches and practice them for the sake of Allah only and not to show off!
5. Always ask Allah to forgive you!
6. Adorn yourself with Islamic morals in every case!
Question 130
My husband asked me to agree to his marriage with another wife in a temporary marriage, but I refused. However, when I pondered on the verdict of the Sharia in permitting temporary marriage, my mind and senses guided me to agree and encourage him to do so. I asked myself: this woman's husband has died, but her sexual lust has not died. Then, how should she satisfy it? Unlawfully or by suppressing it or by lawful temporary marriage?
There is no doubt that the third choice is the right one, which Islam has legislated. However, Umar bin al-Khattab prohibited it, and it was his personal opinion and for a certain period, as I think. If temporary marriage was not prohibited (by Umar) and if this prohibition did not last for the following ages, the doors of adultery would not have
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been opened to society. It is mentioned in traditions narrated from the Ahlul Bayt (s) that if temporary marriage was not prohibited, no one would commit adultery except scoundrels. No noble man will go towards adultery while the door of lawful temporary marriage is open to him. This door has been opened by the Wise Creator, Who is more aware of the truth of man and the requirements of his lust than anyone else.
Yes! This was my thought when I gave my husband my permission to marry that widow, but after that, he did me wrong. He went too far and exceeded the limits in practicing temporary marriage until he started ignoring me. He did not even think of the family's needs.
I am still satisfied with the verdict of our great Sharia and will not allow myself or others to deny or suspect this verdict, but I hope that you can give some advice to men who are like my husband. Is this my fair reward? Has Allah not said, (Is the reward of goodness aught but goodness)?
1 Please, excuse me for lengthening my speech and thank you for answering me.
The answer: Dear faithful sister, it is mentioned in one of the traditions that "do not put wisdom near other than its people for you will wrong it, and do not prevent it from its people for you will wrong them".
Dear sister, your situation results from your kindness and religious understanding, but your mistake is that you have put this wisdom near other than its people for whom it was intended. A man like your husband, whether you do him good or not, will carry out what he wants and will cover his actions with religion if he pretends to be religious; otherwise he will commit his wrong in an irreligious way, paying attention to nothing.
The problem lies neither in the verdict of the Sharia nor in your good situation, which pleases Allah, but the problem lies in your guilty husband. Be certain that Allah will not waste your reward because He is just and you are benevolent and patient. Besides, you will get your reward for your feelings towards that
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1 Qur'an, 55:6o.
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widow. May Allah bless you and make you succeed in your life and afterlife.
